Puzzle Pieces & the Past
Tori,
Since 2011, I’ve had information I've planned on sharing with you when we finally got to know each other. I’ve come to realize, through recently putting together puzzle pieces of my own childhood and understanding the difference it would have meant if I had those pieces in my 20’s instead of 50’s, that waiting to share these puzzle pieces from your childhood may not be what’s in your best interest.
Almost 11 years ago...
On Oct 30th, 2011, I got an email, out of the blue, with just your name on the subject line, from a woman that I didn’t know, named Lora. Here’s a screenshot of the email. I'm sure you know who Lora is so I've greyed out her last name and email to protect her privacy online. I’ve also kept the original emails.
Screenshot from original email
After a few back-and-forth emails, we set up a time for a phone call.
The phone call lasted for over 1 1/2 hours and in it, Lora reminded me that we had met on at least one occasion and shared that she and your mother had been close since you were around 6 months old. She said they were not on speaking terms any longer and hadn’t spoken since the day she told your mother that she would tell you the same truth, some day if you asked, that she was sharing with me on the call.
During the call she made it clear she was doing this with an expectation that I would try to take legal action, based on her information, to try to fix the situation that had been created and she would be asked to sign a legal deposition affirming what she was telling me was the truth and also do it under oath in a courtroom if it came to that. Her exact words on the phone call were “I’m expecting you to take this to court and subpoena me! I am asking you to do that!” After the call and many others, even after I secured an attorney to try, Lora did not hesitate or show any signs of backing out of what she would be asked to do.
Since, before the call, I didn’t know Lora but she not only knew you and your mom’s name, but also MY mom’s name and her husband’s AND had suggested possible problems concerning you, I recorded the call. After a few more phone calls, and my trust in her intentions become more clear, I informed her of the recording. I will share with you that phone call recording from over 10 years ago if you want to hear it.
From what Lora has told me, you and her had a close, loving and trusting relationship while you were growing up. Trip to Carlsbad Caverns, mentoring you in learning to cook while staying at her house in Albuquerque.. even calling her at times "Aunt Lora". She has told me that her issues between her and your mom, in her heart, didn’t touch you and her and had hoped you would have reach out to her, to continue the relationship, when you turned 18.
I’ve reached out to Lora, in the last year, and she has, after all these years, reaffirmed her commitment to telling you the truth if you would ever ask her.
Instead of just sending the recording to you out of the blue, I'm offering it to you with this warning.. It's not an easy thing to listen to and while I believe it has put some light on major questions I've had about the dynamics in our non-relationship, sometimes, the truth can challenge and hurt, feeling like it does more damage than ignorance. To me, hearing the truth has been a pandora's box which has hurt for 11 years. What she had to say on that phone call, and for many calls after, has been hard.
No one can force information on someone else, Tori. For it to be meaningfully considered, they have to be willing to hear it. Maybe hearing from someone, who has known you, loved you and watched you grow up, will help give you some answers as well.
If you want to hear it, below is access to the 183mb audio file - 1 1/2 hour call. If you listen to it, be aware the first 1min 29secs Lora's voice is muted as I was setting up the recorder.
The phone call file is right below here. Take care.
A last piece of advice:
Some people think that love is finite. "If you love me, you can't love her!" Or worded another way, "If you love her, you won't love me!" Fear of loss is the source of a lot of evil in this world. Not saying the person is evil, but we can do evil things out of fear of loss. Especially, when the loss of your child's love is what's feared in the balance. I think your mother was terrified of losing your love, if you knew me, and I can imagine what kind of horrible feeling that must have been for her.
Love is infinite. You can love, with all your heart, as many people as you can and it won't dry up. You could have loved us both and I'm sure she wouldn't have felt any less.
I hope you love your mother Tori and that you show her that love and she feels it. From watching their interaction, I don't think she felt a lot of respect and acceptance from her father, who she idolized. His tone, in how he spoke to her, as I witnessed the first time she introduced me to him, broke my heart. The several other times I watched them interact were no different. No child should be talked to in a demeaning, consistently disappointed and condescending manner by their parent, whether there is something wrong with them or not. Every child deserves to feel they are amazing and special by their parents. Maybe that's why your mother made such a huge effort to make sure you were not exposed to feeling shame, because of her experiences with it through her father? I think the need to be loved and accepted had a huge impact on her and her need to desperately and fearfully hold on to the love from her child, at all costs. I've often wondered if that's where her issues of control, manifesting in hoarding behavior, stems from, as it wasn't apparent when her and I dated.
Tori, I know you hate everything I'm saying right now but it's the truth and you have been lied to enough. I'm not saying this to piss you off or manipulate you (I've come to accept we're not going to have a relationship and have moved on with my life as it is) but I am trying to help you understand that while what she did was evil, it was done out of a misplaced fear of not being loved. I can have compassion for someone not being able to see the bigger picture, while I can also hate what they have done. Try to look at her, no matter what she does, with some degree of compassion for her. Take it from an expert on this. Pushing people, who don't act like you want them too, away only makes you more alone. The more you do that, the more of a habit it can become. She's the only parent you have. Take it easy on her, ok? The love we give others, adds love in our own heart and soul. Make sure you fill your heart by making her feel the love she's always looked for and, as every person does, deserve no matter what she's done.